


I had no friends

by The scribe (TheGreenHuntress109)



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Child Abuse, Childhood Friends, Childhood Memories
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-17
Updated: 2019-02-10
Packaged: 2019-09-20 17:57:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17027370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheGreenHuntress109/pseuds/The%20scribe
Summary: It hurt. It always hurt thinking of her. Rimmer had tried forgetting but when Lister goes poking around where he shouldn't memories are brought to light. Forgetting isn't working anymore and he's tired of the pain. Maybe it was time he told someone about her, maybe it would hurt less.





	1. Welcoming the beginning

Arnold sat in his and Lister's quarters, a cup of tea in one hand and a copy of Morris dancers weekly in the other. It was one of those rare moments when Kryten was busy cleaning G deck, the Cat was busy doing whatever it was he did when no one was looking, and Lister was away on his shift watching for any incoming trouble or derelicts. Put simply, it was bliss. Arnold sighed contentedly as he took another sip of his steaming mug, a small smile lit his face.  
And then came the stomping gait of Lister as he evidently came back after swapping with Cat. “You're a liar.” at Lister's accusation Arnold lightly threw down his magazine, well it was nice while it lasted.  
With a sneer he gave Lister a full flare of the nostrils, “And what, pray tell, are you blathering on about now?” he asked as the scouser dumped a small worn book on the table. Lister folded his arms and pointedly looked from the book to the unimpressed hologram.  
“I can count on one hand how many people I can call friends.” Lister mocked in a voice Arnold supposed was meant to be his own, that chipmunk grin spread across his face. 

The responding barb Arnold had ready died on his tongue when he saw what the book really was, “Where did you get that?” his voice sounded small even to himself. He reached for what was not in fact a book, but a thin photo album, Lister however snatched it from his reach. Arnold gulped, “Give it back. That's mine, give it back!”  
Lister opened to the front page where a thirteen year old Arnold smiled shyly beside a blonde girl of about the same age. Underneath in his own copperplate writing it said “Arnold Judas Rimmer and Octavia Mary Michaels, best friends forever”

Arnold couldn't breath. He didn't need to but the image of her knocked the breath from him and he stumbled before sitting heavily on his bunk.  
She's dead. A viscous voice whispered to him.  
She's dead. And he knew that, after all they were 3million years from Earth.  
She's dead. But now it seemed to drum into his head, now that he thought about it, about her.  
She's dead. And you left it like that.

“Was she the only one who could put up with you?” Lister teased. Arnold didn't snipe back, he just looked blankly in front of him. Remembering her and the first person who had been able to put up with him, just like Lister mocked.  
It was like he was underwater. He heard Lister trying to figure out who she was, what happened to her.  
Lister seemed to realise the hologram was in distress, hesitantly he stepped towards him, in an aborted attempt at comfort. “Hey, Rimmer you ok?” Arnold let out a gasp as all the feelings he buried bubbled up, and suddenly he wanted Lister to know who she was. Needed him to understand why this photo album hurt so much.

“Her grandmother thought we'd marry, one day. Of course it was for political reasoning, my family was rather influential on IO.” He found himself speaking, almost choking on his breath as Lister sat beside him.  
“Rimmer, you ok?” he heard Lister ask again with more fear in his voice.  
“Shut up. You wanted to know who she was.” Arnold snapped.  
For so long he tried to forget that she was dead now and he wouldn't be able to tell her.  
“Do you know we met when she was eight and I was nine?” He laughed brokenly, “It was at one of my mothers parties...”  
OOOOO

Arnold at nine years old stood apart from the party his mother had held to welcome the newest resident of IO. He had no interest in making friends with what would be a snooty little princess like all the other girls his brothers brought home. He was quite happy hiding in the greenhouse where their gardeners, Dennis, was now harvesting the vegetables for the kitchens, thank you very much. The first step of the greenhouse doorway was better than the plastic chairs out there, and the eyes that would be on him any day. 

The youngest of the Rimmer household picked at his his new party outfit, it was the only time he got anything new, when it was for show. He hated the shiny back dress shoes and the tie his mother had fixed too tight, the jacket had been left on one of the chairs near where his mother sat chatting with his brothers gym teacher. It felt so plastic, like make believe with dolls.

“Maybe it wouldn't be bad if you talked to er.” Dennis told the boy as he wiped mud on his overalls and sat next to the sulking child, “She might be the nice sort, be nice for you ta have some friends.” he gave a concerned but friendly smile. Arnold screwed his face up as he watched the new girl tug at her pink flowery dress, as if she too hated the fakness of such things.  
“Maybe she'd make fun of me. Maybe she's just like Howard, Frank and John.” he told Dennis miserably. Dennis sighed and went to pat the boys back before thinking better of it, something Arnold was relived by. He didn't want Mummy shouting at him again.  
“Or maybe she'd like ta be your friend.” Dennis suggested.

Arnold looked back out towards the party where the girl seemed to wait until her grandmother was occupied with shouting at a waiter, then as quickly as her skinny legs would allow she made a break for the greenhouse.  
Oh no.  
She was on her way towards him. 

Dennis silently left like a traitor and Arnold gaped at the gardeners retreating back, mouth open to call him back, to ask Dennis to tell her to go away.  
He turned to face her approach and almost fell through the open door way. There she stood, wide blue eyes that didn't quite fit her face stared shyly at him from behind a curtain of bright blonde hair. She twisted a flower from her dress between boney fingers as she tried to give him a small smile, “Sorry.” she whispered and Arnold had to lean forward to hear her over the din of the party behind her. “Could I hide here with you?” 

Arnold bristled, “I'm not hiding. I'm just watching from afar.” he held his nose high in the air and she giggled at him. He shot her a glare, “And no. This is my spot, you'd have to find your own.”  
The girl frowned at him, confused it seemed. An elderly voice sounded behind her and the girl panicked.  
It reminded him of himself whenever his mother yelled for him angrily, or the times his father asked for his presence after he failed at something or other. He felt...pity? She didn't seem snooty or mean, she just seemed like him. Tired and sad with a little fear mixed in.  
The girl stared at the party and backed away, towards where Arnold sat. Suddenly he found himself up and grabbing at her hand, “I know a better place to hide.” he whispered and he saw the look of gratitude in her eyes as he lead her towards the woods at the bottom of the garden.

 

Arnold had lead her to what looked like a heap of wood, but had actually been a hideaway built by himself. He pulled away the door, a mass of glued wood just like the rest of the structure and the girl gave him a wide eyed smile as she crawled in.  
As he crawled in beside her he heard her whisper, “This is so clever.” she turned in the cramped space that was only meant to house a small boy and grinned. She looked kind of pretty when she did that, like it gave her face more colour or something. 

Arnold cleared his throat as he moved some of the blankets around, his face heated at her words, “Uh, thanks.” he said, realising he had never talked to someone around his age before, “I'm Arnold, by the way.” he reached out to shake her hand but she just stared at it so he quickly took it back.  
“I'm Tavy.” she seemed to search for something in her memory before adding, “Nice to make your acquisition.” she frowned, “Wait that's not right.”  
Arnold giggled, “It's acquaintance.” He corrected and she nodded, silently repeating the word. Tavy was a weird name even for IO. He wondered if it was short for something.

Silence lay around them as Tavy seemed to peeked through the crack in the door. Arnold clucked his tongue, “Don't worry, no one will find us here.” he puffed out his chest with a wide smile, “I'm the best at hide and seek.” he told her proudly. Tavy nodded solemnly as she sat back and seemed to take in the hidey hole, “Is Tavy short for something?” He asked finally, as it seemed she wasn't going to speak.  
She screwed her face up, “It's short for Octavia.” she explained her voice full of disgust. He could sympathise, after all he hated his name too. Arnold was such a stupid name, he had always thought his brothers had the better names. Especially John who had less letters to remember how to spell. Arnold's backside still smarted, despite it being years since he could spell his own name.

“You're very good at drawing.” Tavy said suddenly. She picked up a drawing of the greenhouse from the pile he had left there from last week. She picked another up, this time a rough sketch of Dennis. His art teacher had told him he had talent with drawing, but when she had approach his father about nurturing his artistic talent... well, Arnold hadn't eaten that weekend.  
His family belittled his art and his father outright despised it. Arnold had begun to think his art teacher was lying, but Tavy seemed to like it.  
Or maybe she was joking. Maybe she getting his hopes up.  
Arnold shrugged, “They're all right, I guess.”  
Tavy looked at him, that same wonder from earlier filled her expressive blue eyes, “No this is better than all right. I think its amazing, I wish I could draw like this.”  
Joy lit up like a fire in him at her words. She thought they were amazing, she wished she could draw like him. He had a talent that someone admired. She grinned and he found himself matching.

“You can have one if you like.” he found himself offering before he could think.  
She gave a breathy laugh, “Really.” was all she whispered and Arnold found himself nodding. With surprising speed she had ruffled through the pile as if he would take it back if she wasn't quick enough. He laughed at what she selected.  
It was a half finished picture of a rabbit, one of the ones Dennis would allow him to pet when he got home from school. He'd named him General whiskers. Tavy beamed and hugged the drawing. Arnold almost scolded her from wrinkling the pages, but he would have done the same. He wondered if her Grandmother was like his parents. For a second he worried Tavy would have it taken away as soon as they got back, but she folded it up neatly until it was a tiny square and pulled a locket out from under her dress. With skilled finger she unlocked the metal and pushed the drawing inside before placing the locket back in hiding.

Arnold's grin started to make his face hurt, but he was too happy to care. Was this what it was like to have a friend? It was wonderful if it was. Wait, were they friends? Is this what one did to attain one? His grin faded at his doubt, Tavy mistaking this started patting at her dress in panic.  
“What are you doing?”  
“I don't have a gift for you.” She told him hysterically, “I'm sorry, can we still be friends? I'll get you something next time, promise.”  
Arnold shook his head at her babbling, “It's ok, it was a gift. We can still be friends, we could even be... best friends?”he asked unsure. The words where there to take back the offer, however the look of pure wonderment on her face killed them. She stared at him as if he was the most wonderful thing she'd seen.  
“Best friends?” she whispered.  
Arnold nodded, “If you want.”  
“Yes please.” 

At her words they both laughed. Today was the most he had laughed or smiled for a while, and Arnold wanted it to continue.  
OOOOO

“She was like you then, stuck with a shitty family?” Lister asked. Arnold blinked as he came back to himself. He jumped from where he'd been sitting beside Lister, unable to look at him.  
“Not in the beginning, no. Her mother was part of a very influential family from Earth. She fell in love with Tavy's father and ran away, the only reason Tavy came to IO was because her parents died in an accident. Her maternal grandmother got custody, mostly because she could afford the lawyers.” he sighed and rubbed a hand down his face. Lister seemed to be in thought.  
“When we got back to the party my mother and her grandmother had arranged a play date scheduled of sorts. It was the only thing I was ever thankful of my mother for.”

He fell silent then, arms wrapped around himself. This wasn't enough to make Lister understand, but it was good to be able to tell someone about her. She had been a large part of his life for so long and in all those chats he had with Lister he never mentioned her. It hurt too much. Talking about it seemed to loosen some of the hurt, and he was sick of her memory being painful. She didn't deserve that.

Arnold picked up the album and traced over her smiling face. Distantly aware of Lister watching him in fascination, “What happened? Something must have happened for it to upset ya this much.”  
The hologram shook his head, “I'm tired. Goodnight Lister.”  
For once the third technician didn't badger him, instead he got up from the bunk and allowed Arnold to lay down.  
“Night Rimmer.”

As Lister called for lights and jumped on to his bunk, Arnold wiped at wet eyes and hugged the photo album closer, “Night, Tavy.” he whispered and in his minds eye he heard a chipper,  
“Night, Arn.”


	2. Rainbow smile

It had been a week since what Arnold had dubbed 'the incident' or 'when that nosey git had to go poking his nose in other people's business', but that didn't have the same ring to it. Thankfully Lister hadn't asked for more and even though Arnold himself had been acting as if the whole thing hadn't happened, Lister had started giving him those puppy eyes of sympathy.  
He'd hoped it would stop once it was clear that Arnold wasn't going to acknowledge what happened. He'd even hid the damned album away, hopefully, where Lister wouldn't get it.

So when they were on shift together Arnold was startled when Lister spoke, “Do you want to talk about it?”  
Arnold glanced up from his station, only for a second before glaring down at his screen, “No.”  
“Come on.” Lister needled, “You'll feel better.” Arnold's nostrils flared to the pointy he could probably pick up life forms with them. Anger was a good default for him and it pushed down the shame from the last time he had made a spectacle of himself.  
“I'm not your own drama show, M'illado.” Arnold admonished, “I'm not here for you entertainment you know.” Even as the words left him he knew they were a lie. Holly had turned him on for that precise reason. To be a play thing to keep the last human sane. It wasn't much different to home really.

Lister opened his mouth, but Cat came screeching down the hall and whatever Lister was about to say he obviously thought better of it. “Hey bud, goalpost head, the mail pods arrived.” Cat greeted then immediately turned and disappeared. Arnold rolled his eyes at the moggy, here one minuet off doing smeg knows what the next, typical.  
“Come on, mail.” Lister enthused, “From earth.” 

So here they sat sorting through piles of letters, mostly not addressed to either of them. Arnold sighed, not really interested in the rectangular pieces of paper. He never got anything good anyway. Lister sat across from him throwing all the ones not addressed to him on the floor, like the uncouth goit he was.  
Arnold zoned out as the litany of “Not mine, not mine...” continued. Then, “Oh, hey Rimmer it's for you.” Arnold's head shot up so fast he was sure he almost gave himself concussion. Lister lightly weighted the bulky envelope, “Hey there's something mental in it.”  
Before he could say more the hologram snatched his prize from curry stained finger and froze.

The small letters that looked almost as if it was printed and sloped off at the end, as if the words were suddenly falling from a cliff. That hand writing had been scribbled in his notebooks throughout most of his teenage years, conversations they had pasted between each other when they were meant to be studying. With shaky hands he peeled the envelope open and pulled out the metal object and the letter.

Arnold gasped, the cool metal of a locket almost burned his hard-light hand. A locket that had always hung from a slender neck and hidden behind a barrier of cloth, only to be shown to people she trusted. Only ever shown to him and the Gardener who had given them both a reprieve from their disastrous home life.  
Soft flitter of paper knocked Lister out of his own silence as the letter fell from Arnold's fingers. “Who's it from?” Lister asked as he retrieved the letter from the floor and began reading.  
If he concentrated,the Ionian could almost hear her soft, comforting voice.

“Dear Arn,

Hey you haven't been responding to my letters. So it occurred to me that you may think what I said was a joke. But it's not. Those are my feelings and I hope that no matter how you feel about me, that we could continue to be friends. I know the last time we saw each other we had a spat, but we always forgive each other in the end. I guess I'm hoping this would be the same.  
I promised to always be your best friend. And I will no matter what.  
Enclosed is my locket, It's a promise that no matter what you decide I'll always be here for you if you need me.

Wondering when you'll finally get back to me and missing you buckets,  
Tavy”

Lister let out a whistle, “Wow, what happened between you guys?”  
Arnold shook his head, most of that made no sense. What did she mean by her feelings. He remembered the argument but it had been silly. Another lecture on how he should let go of being an officer, stop doing what his family wanted of him. But they always had those after he had an exam and called her in a fit of hysterics. Was she talking about her feelings about his family? Because he was right there with her.

“Hey, Rimmer. You good man?”  
At Lister's words he shook his head again, “Do you know.” he licked his lips and looked towards the bunk room door. It was safer in here to talk about it some how, “When I was ten she beat my brothers up.” He gave a laugh, “stupid really, they were twice her size. But she did her damned best and I guess she won, she was so angry...”

OOOO

“Oh look the baby's gonna cry.” Arnold dabbed his tongue at the split lip he had received, curled tightly on the floor with his hands covering his head he coward at Howard's words. Frank sneered above him, “You're pathetic. No wonder Mummy doesn't love you.”  
Tears welled in the youngest boys eyes, “Mummy does love me.” Arnold whimpered miserably as a kick was aimed at his side. 

Arnold had been waiting outside the greenhouse for Tavy to arrive, now he wished he had hid inside. As soon as his brothers saw him they made a b line for him. Their teasing and bulling had been horrendous, even with Tavy there most of the time they would find ways to pick on him when she wasn't looking or had to go home. The only reason for that had been mothers insistence that they not show her up to another influential family. Her hope being Arnold would marry Tavy and have some connection to the massive wealth Tavy's Grandmother owned.

At least summer was almost over and his brothers would go back to boarding school.

“Oi, smeg heads.”  
The kicking stopped and Arnold lifted his head to see Tavy throw herself at Howard. In a fit of rage she punched at Howard's stomach, but he was built like a small body builder and she was just bones with little muscle. Howard laughed at her and held her back with one hand.  
Frank joined the laughter and kicked at the small boy on the floor again. Arnold winced as he made eye contact with Tavy.  
Something seemed to snap in her. She wrenched her head as far as it would go and bite down on Howard's hand. Howard let out a shriek as he pulled a bloody hand towards him, Frank hesitated. 

“You're a freak.” Howard yelled as he stumbled with tears in his eyes back towards the house, Frank hot on his heels.  
Tavy wiped the blood from her mouth, “Better that than a smeg head!” she yelled.  
Arnold stared bewildered at her. She had just saved him from his brothers. She cared enough to stop it and was angry that they had hurt him. Even though through the year they had been friends he hadn't hoped that she cared this much, had wondered if it ploy of some sort. This solidified it, she truly cared.  
Tears filled his eyes and Tavy dropped to the floor in panic, “Are you Ok? Oh no, you're bleeding.” She cupped his cheek as she surveyed the split lip, “Come on, Mr Dennis will have something for that.” she pulled him to his feet and went in search of the grounds keeper.

 

As it would happen Dennis did have something for it. They found him in the kitchen chatting with the new maid, when he saw the state of both children he rushed to them. “Arnold, Master Arnold.” he corrected as he bent to look at the boys face, “what happened?”  
Arnold smiled, blood dripped from reopening the scab on his lip, “she saved me.” he told him animately as he pointed at Tavy. Dennis looked between them a look of fondness directed at them both. With a sigh he lifted Arnold on to the kitchen counter, at which the cook tutted but said nothing.  
Arnold waited as Dennis retrieved a small metal pot of something antiseptic smelling and dabbed at his lip, “There should help it heal.” he pressed the pot into the boys hand hand looked at Tavy, “So what happened, and why do you have blood over your face?”  
Tavy wiped more determinedly at her mouth with her sleeve. “She bit him.” Arnold spoke up, “She bit Howard.”  
Tavy patted Arnolds hand, “He deserved it.” she defended, “They were hurting him so I stopped them.” Dennis nodded in understanding, Tavy seemed to think she was in trouble but Dennis patted her shoulder.

“I'm very glad he has a friend like you.” Dennis told her.  
“Yeah, your the bestest best friend ever!” Arnold yelled hopping off the table and hugging Tavy. She beamed at first Dennis then Arnold as the boy pulled away.  
Idily he found himself thinking of her smile. It was rare for her to smile and the conditions had to be just right, like a rainbow. Arnold almost laughed at himself, a rainbow smile? How ridiculous. And yet that's exactly what it was, wasn't it. And good old Arnie J was the conditions.  
Something in his chest grew warm and his stomach did a weird flop at the thought. Huh, he might be coming down with something.

A snap caught the children's attention. There Dennis stood with a camera.  
“He does that a lot.” Arnold said, “says it's for when I leave, so I have some happy memories to take with me.”  
“Can I have a copy?” she asked excitedly and at the gardeners nod turned to Arnold, “I want to put it in my locket, it's where I put everything I love.”

 

OOOO

Cold not quite human fingers clicked open the locket. There was the photo of her mother and father, the tiny folded square of the picture he gave her, her mothers ring and... the same photo from that day. On the other side of the locket almost mirroring the happy embrace of Tavy's parents, was them. Ten year old Arnold with a slit lip and dust covered clothes, hugging a bright eyed Tavy. Dennis had caught it just as he was pulling away so you could see both their faces as they looked at each other.

'I want to put it in my locket, it's where I put everything I love.' bounced in his head. He was loved even if it was just friendship love. He was wanted and accepted. And he hadn't said. He hadn't told her he was sorry, he never said.

“She seems like she was a big part of your life.” Lister said softly as if this part of Arnold would disappear again if he was too loud. “Why haven't you talked about her?”  
Arnold laughed, “Because she was mine. Because it hurt, knowing how we left it.”  
Lister nodded, “Yeah but looks like she forgave you. Must've not been so bad if she wasn't all that angry.”

He shrugged, “Also, after Lisa. I was afraid you'd make me forget her.” He hugged himself, the locket safely closed and dangled from his hand, “I don't want to forget her, not really.” he said in a whisper.

He couldn't stand the silence that came with the admission. He'd expected denial and anger from Lister, that he knew how to respond to. But not this quiet acceptance. So he did what he always did, tried to fill the silence.  
“Did you know she wanted to be an engineer, like her father.” Lister said nothing, just listened. “She was going to become an engineer on a ship and I was to be an officer. Of course we always thought we'd be on the same ship, stupid really.” he gave a pitiful laugh, pained and sad. He looked at the locket again, where his drawing from all those years ago sat. “I told her I wanted to be a painter, an artist. I expected her to laugh, my parents did.” yes they did and more, he shuddered. “Know what she said instead.” Lister shook his head though Arnold would have continued anyway.  
“Do it.” he rasped. Arnold coughed as he tried to dislodge the lump in his throat.  
“She said if it made me happy I should do it. That she would support me all the way.”

Arnold opened his mouth, he wanted to tell lister how much he was like her.  
“Hey bud, non-bud. What's happening.”  
Lister leapt up, “Cat your suppose to be on shift while we did this.” the Cat sniffed at him with disdain as Lister flew past him. Arnold sighed , he better get back as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So just wanted to say, in this I believe that Dennis knew Arnold was his and tried to be a good father despite not being able to tell him. Dennis would have liked to take Arnie away from the Rimmers but I think that Mr Rimmer would have threatened legal action that Dennis knew he couldn't win against. Even though Mr Rimmer hated Arnold the scandal would have been too much and he instead elected to cover it up.
> 
>  
> 
> Tell me what you think. :)


	3. Green is not your colour

Arnold stared blankly at the scanners, his fingers brushed over and over the locket he hadn't put down since Cat's interruption hours ago.  
I'm sorry. Was all he could think of as he polished the metal with his obsessive stroking. Lister had been staring at him the whole time and Arnold felt the word vomit that had taken over him earlier and the week before threaten to spill more. But here wasn't safe. The bunk-room was safe, where there was no Cat laying about and Kryten wasn't cleaning.  
“Do you want to talk?”  
Arnold swallowed at Lister's words. Yes. He wanted to yell that he had probably left his only real friend to think he hated her. Wanted to yell that she didn't deserve to be stuck with him as a friend.

Instead he said, “It was almost a year later, the summer before I was to attend IO house. She hadn't been allowed back to mine for biting Howard.” a smile tugged at his lips at the few months he was left alone, his brother afraid he'd call the crazy girl to bite him again. “But mother wanted that old ladies money so she allowed me to go to Tavy's house. We were in her room...”

OOOO

Arnold threw down yet another pencil and hurriedly picked up a sharper one as he scribbled on the paper. Tavy wobbled from where she stood on her tools chest, a spanner held aloft like a sword. There were many tools like her spanner laying around the floor and half fixed machines leaking oil on top of newspapers. Arnold's eye twitched at the mess. If it were his room his father would beat him black and blue and his mother would stop the staff from feeding him. Well, not all the staff. Dennis had taken to sneaking in his room and bringing him food, sneaking away again with the evidence soon after.

“So.” Tavy started, “You'll be going Io house soon.” her sad smile made Arnold stop and lay down his drawing. “Suppose we won't see much of each other.”  
Arnold frowned, “You'll visit me won't you. I mean I assumed-” he stopped at the fond rainbow smile she gave him. She had grown in to those large expressive eyes, but despite Arnold having grown a head taller over the summer she still stayed tiny. Her long blonde hair cut just below her chin. He could still see the outline of her grandmothers hand across her cheek from when she saw what Tavy had done to her hair.

“Of course I'll visit.” suddenly she lit up and bound off the chest, Arnold would have grumbled about the portrait if it wasn't for how happy she looked. She took his hand in hers, “I'm just down the road. I could climb out the window and visit.” she grew more excited as she chatted about sneaking to his dorm and having midnight feasts. Arnold didn't honestly think she would be able to get away with it, oh she would try, he was sure of that.  
Tavy pulled at his arms in excitement and he winced.

She fell silent.  
He remained silent.

Slowly as if afraid she gently pulled up the sleeves of his pressed shirt.  
“Oh, Arne.” she breathed and he quietly took his hands back. A glance through his mop of curly hair showed her eyes, wet with angry tears, “I swear, one day I'll strap him to the rack. Then he wouldn't be an inch short, he'd know what it feels like the absolute bastard.”  
Arnold drew his arms around himself, “It's not that bad. It helps, it's for my own good.”  
Tavy shook her head terrified, “No it's not. You can't see it but your parents are nuts.”  
“No. It builds character. Like not being fed builds resolve.” He snapped back, “It's for my own good.” He wanted to believe that, needed too. Because if it wasn't then that meant... it meant they didn't really care about him. It meant his own parents hated him.

Breath left him and only returned in snatches as his body remember the pull and stretch of muscles that weren't ready to grow that much. Restraints had bit into his pale flesh, the agony of arms being popped out of their sockets, then the agony as a servant popped them back in. White hot pain. Tearing of muscles when his father had had to much to drink and over exerted Arnold's small body.

At least Mummy loved him. Even if she was too busy to play with Arnold. To talk to him... to even acknowledge his existence.  
At least she never brought him pain. 

Tavy sighed and gathered him in a hug. It looked ridiculous, Arnold folded almost in half for her to be able to cradle him close . “I hope one day you'll see. I hope you get out of there.”  
Arnold couldn't say anything, to busy trying to gasp in air. Deep down what she said made sense, but he just couldn't. How could he? He was 11 and had no funds, nor did he have anywhere to go.

“Stay here tonight?” she whispered, and Arnold could hear the fear in each word.

 

As it turned out Tavy's grandmother wouldn't allow him to stay the night. It wasn't proper for a boy and girl to have sleep overs apparently. But Tavy had given him a radio that she had fiddled with so the signal should reach from his house to hers.  
As he lay down to sleep the radio sounded quietly.  
“Captain Ace, Ace come in.” Arnold rolled his eyes, she had insisted on code names. With a smile he reached for it, “Copy that, Spanners.” he giggled at the name she chose, typical Tavy.  
“Hope you sleep well. And radio if your brothers start.” He wished it was that simple, he was sure if something happened with her and his mothers favourites then he would be banned from seeing her for good.  
Immense wealth or not.

“Night Tavy.”

“Night Arn.”

OOOO

Lister raised an eyebrow, “She called you Ace?” at Arnold's nod he continued, “That's what you meant when you said your friends called you Ace. She called you Ace.” Another nod.  
Tavy had mentioned once that it sounded like a hero's name. How right she was, only he wasn't the hero in this universe was he. Once he told her that he would make a terrible hero, she'd laughed at him. Told him that he was her hero, no matter what.  
Arnold gave a soft smile as he remembered her hastily pulled up hair that still fell into the machine she had been trying to manipulate. Her tongue stuck out before she raised her spanner at him, and with a giggle declared herself his trusty sidekick Spanners.

Idly he wondered if there was always some form of an Ace and Spanners in each universe. Perhaps in this one Tavy had been his instead of Lister.  
He gave a sigh, everything between them had been so simple before they began drifting.  
“Hang on, you said she was a year younger than you, but she was going away for school too.” Lister pointed out. Arnold shrugged as he began opening and closing the locket, his gaze now looking at it. It was her promise, one she kept for so many years.

“Her birthday barely scraped past for her to be in the same year as me.” He gave a final click of the locket and turned fully to face Lister, “There was an all girls version of Io house. She went there. They sometimes had school competitions against each other. I think it was that same week we started that they organised one. Her school against mine. At the time I thought Porky Roebuck was my friend and I wanted her to meet him...”

OOOO

“What's so special about this girl?” Porky asked as Arnold lead him through the students milling around the large football pitch of IO House. He kept trying to see over the many heads of people as they took a break from the ongoing match between both schools.  
Arnold was sure he saw her somewhere around here. She'd been with a gaggle of girl's heading in the direction of the picnic areas, hopefully she wanted to ditch those girls and go with him and Porky.  
Arnold glanced back at his only friend he had at IO and his old primary school with a nervous smile, “Well she's my best friend. I want you to meet her.”  
Porky gave a snort and gave Arnold a harsh push, “Like a girl would put up with you, Bonehead.”  
Arnold tripped over his own feet, not expecting the strength of the push, and fell. Unfortunately it seemed as he flailed for something to catch his fall he grabbed at someone's shirt and pulled them down with him.

“Easy there Arne. I missed you too but this is ridiculous.” The easy laugh swept his embarrassment away. Inches away from his face and leaning over him was Tavy. Her hair in a sloppy ponytail and bright eyes lined with eye liner, she'd paired that with lip gloss and blue eyeshadow. She looked kinda nice, even if it was weird seeing her wear make-up like the other girls he'd seen.  
“Tavy!” Arnold's happy shout caused her to giggle again as she moved off of him and sat on the grass, Arnold was instantly up and about to hug her when he remembered where they were. Tavy gave a perplexed frown but said nothing as she stood and pulled him to his feet.

“So this is the lovely Octavia Michaels?” Porky asked. Arnold felt a hint of annoyance as Porky held out his hand to shake hers. As Arnold expected she didn't shake his outstretched hand and something inside him grinned at that. Why did he feel like that?  
He had waited for this moment to introduce his two friends. He'd known Porky for about six years now and Tavy for two and was excited to see the two most constant people in his life meet.

Tavy only gave him a glance before looking back at Arnold with a questioning look.”Oh, this is Porky Roebuck.” Arnold explained, as he moved to Porky's side and looked expectantly between them. So far it seemed Porky liked Tavy.  
But from the icy glare Tavy had directed at Porky, well Arnold had a niggling feeling that she didn't like him that much.

“I heard about you.” She sniffed at Porky, “And frankly I don't like you.” She'd said it with a pointed sneer. Instantly Arnold felt the world drop out from under his feet.  
Nonononono, this was not how it was suppose to happen. They were meant to like each other and then they'd all be best friends. Porky had said no to best friendship before but he knew if they were all friends then Porky would change his mind. But Tavy was making it difficult.

Arnold gave a fake laugh, “Oh she's so funny, can I have a word please, Tavy.” Tavy shrugged and Arnold steered her a little away from Porky.  
“What are you doing?”  
“What?” Tavy asked with fake innocents. “I don't like him.”  
Arnold licked his lips nervously. He had a plan and Tavy was ruining it. “But why?” He asked growing frustrated.  
Tavy gave another frustrating shrug, “He's not good enough to be your friend. I have a gut feeling.” she answered as if that solved everything.  
It solved nothing.

Anger surged up at her words. He had a plan and she was throwing it way off, “I've known him longer than you. He's fine.” He ground out, willing her to understand and agree.  
“I'm your best friend.” she stared at him with a frown, “Not him.”  
Suddenly in his anger and frustrating it made perfect sense as to why Tavy was behaving like this. He pointed a finger in her face, hand shaking. He'd never been angry at her before and it surprised that he could ever be angry at her, “You're just jealous. Well M'lassie,” he tasted the bile as he said the words, “I don't have to stand for this. I can befriend who ever I like.”  
Tavy grew red, “Fine, but I'm not jealous. I just don't think he's nice to you, you shouldn't have to hang out with people like that.”  
“What gives you the right to tell me who to be friends with.” He hissed back. Suddenly indignation joined his anger and he drew himself to his full height, towering over her.  
Tavy had always had large expressive eyes, and she used them now as she spoke, “I'm your best friend, I'm only looking out for -”  
“Not any more.”

Silence.  
Tavy's mouth hung open mid sentence. Tears glistened in her eyes looking like stars against the baby blue of her eyes. “What?” she whispered.  
Arnold swallowed, mouth inexplicably dry and feeling suddenly sick as he spoke. “You're not my best friend any more.”

He shouldn't have said it.

Dear lord, he should never have let the words leave his mouth.

All of a sudden the brimming tears overflowed and Tavy brought one hand to her chest as if he'd punched her in the heart, the other hung in the air as if to touch him. Arnold stepped away.  
She let out a shuddering breath and sucked the air back in like she was drowning. 

“Fine.” she whispered, “I hope you find happiness.” then she silently slipped through the crowd to the gaggle of girls she was with before. The group looked back at Arnold as they swarmed Tavy with hugs, one shot him a glare as they lead their sobbing charge away from the field.

His heart gave a lurch and Porky was suddenly slapping his back. “Told you no girl could put up with you, Bonehead.” and then Porky too was gone.

 

For the rest of the year Arnold's radio stayed dead. Tavy no longer picked up or wished him a good night. When he turned twelve Tavy didn't offer a happy birthday, though her gift still arrived. The shoes she sent had been swiftly ruined when Porky, with the help of some other boys, threw him in the school septic tank.

He couldn't even tell her he was sorry.


	4. Darkest memories

Arnold gulped, tasting nothing but the stale air of the family dining room. With each breath he could imagine the dust clog his lungs, that mental image, and the focused stares of both his parents, started a up a slow tap,tap from his fingers hitting the mahogany wood of the table. His mother gave an icy glare; Arnold decided to sit on his hands to contain the beat, although, his stomach soon started another with one look at his empty plate. Not even a spec dared touch the pristine, pale plate.

These dinners rarely happened anymore, but John was home from the space corp; no doubt another way to drive home how much of a disappointment Arnold was. He didn't mind John as much as his other two brothers, While Frank and Howard took to physically terrorising him, John mostly dealt his abuse in the form of insults and put downs. 'A proper mummy's boy' at least that's what Tavy had called him.  
Arnold could feel the heat of his fathers angry gaze on him. Arnold was failing at school, love and friendship. And Father was not happy about any of that; Mother didn't care. Not about Arnold's personal life anyway, but she did care about Arnold losing Tavy's friendship. Her grand plan to marry off her youngest disappointment hadn't worked. Tavy was a champ at the avoiding game, thanks to Arnold's tutelage, and had given the excuse of attending  the engineering camp for the gifted. Arnold suspected it was more to avoid him rather than his over eager mother, as he knew her summer plans as well as his own. While He had talked non-stop about space scouts; Tavy wouldn't stop about the camp she was going to. They had both eagerly compared schedules and found both of them finished at the same time; a week before their schools started. Arnold had been excited to be at space scoutes. Well, until Porky had lead a plan to eat him on one of the survival courses. 

Arnold had hoped he would convince her to go with him, they might be separated during the day but at meal times and down time they'd be together. Maybe it would have been better if she was there. But after he declared her no longer his best friend, well he was sure she definitely wouldn't have gone.

"So captaincy?" Mother asked, no emotion in the question, as she stared at Arnold pointedly. Arnold shrunk further into his chair away from his mother's icy state.  
"Yes, Mother." John droned. Arnold had seen John when he first arrived home on his week vacation. His eyes had been bright and he had gained some weight since he moved away; now though, John looked drained. It was as if by setting foot through the Rimmer estate door the spark of life in John had fizzled, suffocated by the presence of both parents. When John had laid eyes on Arnold he had smiled at him. "You've grown little brother." John had said as if he never hated Arnold before, then after a day with their mother he had been sneering at Arnold again. 

  
Arnold gulped when his father shifted in his seat and tensed at the instinct to cower; something taught to expect if his father moved, but no blow came. Arnold's mother glanced at her husband before cold eyes fell again on the youngest boy, "Arnold, tell your father what you've been captain of." Her eyes shone with contained glee as all eyes fell on Arnold.  
The icy hand of anxiety latched once again to Arnold heart, it squeezed until breathing became hard and the edges of his vision blackened.

"Well, boy? what are you waiting for, spit it out." Arnold nodded at his Father. With a dry mouth and blackening, vision he managed to whisper two words.  
"Skipping team." Arnold faintly heard the scrape of his fathers chair, "No son of mine will be a poof!" His father yelled as Arnold felt a dull pain at his temple, then... 

* * *

 

_Hands._

_Hands on him, holding him down._

_Stop._

_Please, don't, don't hurt me. Father I'm sorry._

 

Arnold struggled, his whole body tried to curl in on himself as he pushed the hands away. He had to protect his stomach or the cane would break a rib again, no he couldn't let that happen. They would add that to the debt from the last time, please not again. It would leave him open to more attack.  
Cool flooring met his face. Wait, why was the floor not wood?

"Hey, Rimmer." Arnold flinched and curled up tighter, away from the hands trying to pull him up. "Look, guy, I'm not gonna hurt ya." At the evidently not Ionian accent, Arnold opened his eyes. Lister crouched hesitantly in front of the shaking hologram, arms held up as if he were dealing with a frightened animal.

Slowly Arnold uncurled himself from his position on the floor, and what an embarrassment that was; having the git from hell witness Arnold in such a vulnerable state. An itch caused Arnold to wipe at his eyes and... smeg! Instantly Arnold shot up. Furiously he wiped at the tears now drying on his cheeks and glared down at Lister with as much disdain as he could manage, while his inner voice yelled at him to run.   
"Of course you can't hurt me, what are you dithering on about?" Arnold asked. Lister moved a little too quickly as he stood, Arnold flinched. Stupid goity nightmares. This was all Lister's fault; if he hadn't snooped then Arnold wouldn't have remembered _her_ , then he wouldn't be remembering _things_.

"Look,Rimmer." Lister stopped and backed away from Arnold a little. Arnold hated it, but couldn't help the relief that came with the distance. "If you wanna talk-"  
"No!" Arnold shivered.Not about that. Never about that.

Lister nodded and sat at their table. Arnold's shaking had stopped, thank god, and he no longer felt as if touch would set him off again. In fact, he wanted touch, well he wanted the comfort that came with the touch. The comfort she had always given him in his time of need, the only person who had ever laid a hand on him that didn't come with pain.  
She was the only one who had liked him for him, he missed her. Since his death he tried to forget. After all it would only make the loneliness worse and the fact he wouldn't be able to talk to her about anything anymore.

Lister leaned back in his chair, "So. How'd you get her to forgive ya?"

Arnold sat heavily on his bed with a sigh, "I gave her that stupid photo album." He said glumly, why was he still talking about this when this was the reason for his nightmares?   
But he still remembered that night. When he had sent Dennis to give her the album and his apology letter, just before the dinner with John and his parents. Before his father...

"She gave it back to me when I divorced my parents." Arnold's mouth supplied in an attempt to not dwell on his nightmare, or rather memory. 

"Really?" Lister grabbed at the album from where Arnold had been reminiscing before bed. He flipped it open to a random page as if there was a picture of it. Annoyed, Arnold yanked the album from his hands. "Why'd she do that?"   
Arnold shrugged as he found the page he wanted. On the fifth page was a picture of a lanky fourteen years old Arnold holding a large cupcake Tavy had brought for him, icing smudged down the side of his smiling mouth. Underneath the photo read _'freedom'_ in Tavy's sloping writing. Arnold gave the album back to Lister reluctantly, but so far Lister had treated the album with much more respect than he ever had with any of Arnold's things. Not even one drop of curry had made it's way on to the blue book. Truly impressive.

Lister took it and laughed, "Wow, don't think I ever saw you in a suit before." Arnold rolled his eyes at his bunk mate. The suite wasn't his, the lawyer who took his case had pitied him enough to lend Arnold one of his suites. "Ay, is this her on the same day?"  
Arnold nodded as Lister showed him a picture of Tavy in a black dress poking her tongue out at the camera, behind her Arnold's mother white as a sheet stared at Tavy. Arnold gave a smile and coughed to hide his laugh, "She told my mother that she had evidence of her cheating on my father and, if she valued her image, she would leave me alone."  
"She really looked out for you, huh?" Lister said as he looked back at the picture.

"She was good at finding dirt on people, all those little secrets you don't want getting out, and using them to protect us. Back on IO being a weasily git was what protected you." Arnold explained. He knew Lister would never understand the life he had to live on IO, the reasons why he was how he was; after all the torment he had received for trying to be a decent person it was ingrained in him to be a self serving git. But he didn't want Lister thinking of Tavy like that. 

Tavy had always been a good friend. Even when he was being a smeghead to her, that night Dennis gave her the album she had used the secret servant passages to get into the Rimmer estate. No doubt Dennis let her in to use them. The first thing she asked was if he was ok. 

Arnold had whimpered and Tavy had been on the war path. Arnold's father still sported the scar she gave him with his own cane.

Suddenly Lister stood, "And where are you going now?" Arnold asked, having been knocked out of his memories by Lister's thumping feet.

Lister grinned, "Remembered, didn't I."

"Remembered what?"

Lister gave a cheeky grin as he approached the nearest computer and impute Arnold's id number. How the hell Lister knew his id number Arnold didn't know, but he was too engrossed in Lister's pursuit of... whatever it was he was after.  
"Wow, you guys chatted a lot." Lister whistled as he scrolled through dates starting from when Arnold first joined the JMC. Arnold frowned irritably at Lister's obvious nosy intentions.  
"And why are you going through my correspondence with friends and family?" Arnold asked equal parts offended and curiouse. Lister tapped the side of his nose before entering a date nearest the bottom.

 Tavy's face appeared on one half of the screen; eyes bright from the screen she was using illuminating her face, hair a mess of long blond strands matted with what seemed to be oil. On the other side of the screen stood Arnold at nineteen in a fully lit bunk room, alone and in his usual starch pyjamas. The distance from where he stood and the screen meant that Arnold looked like a tiny doll compared to Tavy's face.  
Lister hit play and Tavy smiled at the two men watching a conversation that took place over 3 million and some years ago. Yet Arnold remembered it like it was yesterday.

* * *

 

Tavy giggled and Arnold looked up, "Arn, what on Io are you wearing?" Tavy asked. Arnold looked down at the baby blue Pyjamas then back up.  
"What? What's wrong with it?"  Arnold asked mildly offended. He had thought they looked rather smart and professional, something a captain would wear to bed; plus it covered everything he hated about himself, which was...well, everything.  
Tavy shook her head, "Nothing, it's just I'm use to seeing you in a shirt and Boxers." Ah yes. She had hadn't she. Arnold shrugged and wrapped his arms around him embarrassed at the reminder of when they lived together. Arnold had had at least a year living alone until Tavy had showed up at his door; with sad smile and a, "The old witch threw me out. Can I stay with you for a bit?" Tavy had moved in with him.

Arnold cleared his throat, "Is that oil in your hair?" he asked, changing the subject as quickly as possible. He didn't actually know if there was oil in her hair, but he had found that usually there was and it was a great subject changer. Tavy lit up with that rainbow smile, excitement thrummed through her so much Arnold expected the ship he was on to start vibrating with her. "James hired us a garage to practice putting flight engines together."   
Arnold snorted, "Oh yes, and how is _James_?" he sneered the name. Tavy's stupid boyfriend. The one with the big bank account and dropped out of flight school, by choice, to become a space corp flight mechanic. Arnold knew he had only done it so he could train with Tavy. Both now on the last of their exams and on the way to officer-hood.

"Please try not to pick a fight this year. Last Christmas you got us banned from another pub." Tavy teased with a grin, but a pleading edge tinged it as a genuine request. Arnold knew she wanted him and that James to get along, but James was a goit. He treated Tavy like she was a prop on his arm, flirted with other girls in front of Tavy and treated Tavy's aspirations as a fantasy. The hate between the two had started when James had explained to Arnold that he would marry Tavy and she would put all these 'silly notions' of becoming a flight mechanic in the space corps behind her.   
For once Arnold had shed his weasily cowardice and confronted the man he found unworthy of his best friends love. Resulting in Arnold getting in to a one sided fight with James, that ended with a bloody nose for Arnold and not a scratch of el douchebag.

"He hit me." Arnold reminded her.   
"yes, and I had words with him, but he said-"  
"He told you lies." Arnold spat.  
"So you didn't say he didn't deserve me?" He froze. Well he had said that and he still believed it, she was so much better than James and deserved someone who loved her.  
_Like you?_ A nasty voice sneered in his head. Funny how it sounded like his mother.   
But he didn't love her like that. They were just best friends, he didn't love her.  Did he?  
_Like she would want you anyway. You're a nothing.  
_Shut up.

"Hello? Arnie? Did I break you?"  
Arnold snapped back to the present, "Look, I just don't think he's good for you." He tried to explain, "He doesn't make you happy." Arnold had seen over the year TAvy and James had been dating that Tavy hadn't seemed herself. She had started losing weight and her other friends had started calling him to ask if she was ok, that meant something was very wrong. Especially if their last resort was Arnold, who they all hated.

   
Tavy sighed, "To be honest, I've been thinking of breaking it off.You were right." Arnold froze. He was rarely right about anything, he hadn't even been right about his birthday for a small portion of his life. But that could be blamed on his own mother forgetting when he was born.  
"It's just... I don't love him. i don't think I ever did, I just liked that fact that someone loved me and I don't think he even knows how to love someone." Tavy continued, grabbing the screen and moving to what looked like a bed, "I think it'd be best I break up with him and stay friends. I mean I like him as a friend." she lay down and held the screen above her head.

Arnold screwed his face in disagreement, "I wouldn't even stay friends with him."  
"You never were friends with him."  
"Exactly, so I dodged a goit shaped bullet, didn't I." He said smugly,Tavy rolled her eyes and laughed as Arnold sat on his bed facing his own screen. "So, why are you taking my advice all of a sudden?"  
She sobered, eyes darting away, "You say that like I don't listen." Arnold said nothing but gave her a pointed look when their eyes finally locked. "Fine. I've fallen for someone else, I realised I never loved James...because..." Tavy's bright eyes bore into Arnold's, almost as if she's trying to tell him something with only her eyes, "because I've been in love with someone else this whole time."

 

Arnold felt cold, his stomach suddenly dropped and the air left the room.

"Who?" he coughed to cover the break in his voice, "Who is it?"  
Tavy's face softened and she gave him a saddened smile, "You don't know?" Arnold's temper rose. If he knew then he wouldn't bloody ask, would he? "If you don't want to tell me then that's fine. I don't care." he said surly. Tavy shook her head at him and took a breath.  
"Arnie-"

"Oi Mary!" Arnold frowned at the use of Tavy's middle name, he hated that. Tavy turned to look towards where her room mate had obviously entered the shared room, "You talking with Rimjob again?"  Tavy flipped her room mate off.  
"Piss off, Trish. And don't call him that."   
The off screen voice gave a disgusted huff, "Whatever, Pete and Live got Pizza." with a slam of a door Arnold knew she had gone. He hated Trish and she hated him, especially after he got into that non-fight with James. He was pretty sure she had a crush James.

"I gotta go." Tavy said apoligetically. Arnold shrugged, "Don't be like that. I'll talk to you tomorrow."  
Arnold took a breath, he didn't want to end their conversation being angry at her. Besides, she would tell him eventually. They were friends.  
Yet despite this he still felt aweful, it couldn't be because she hadn't told him who she liked.   
_Because you liiiike her._ Taunted the voice.

"Night, Tav."

"Night, Arn."


End file.
